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In the last several weeks we have lost three friends and a close family member all suddenly and well under the average age of life expectancy in the UK.
British people don’t talk about death we have lots of euphemisms; gone to sleep, passed away, passing to the other side, crossed the Styx, shuffling of this mortal coil *1, I even used one myself, ‘lost’, in my first sentence. These have a sensitivity about them but there are others, often banal, which we can use where death is not so personal ‘Kicking the bucket’ is one.
There is a finality about the word death it seems almost harsh to speak it out loud particularly to someone who has suffered a bereavement.
Possibly struggling to use the right words we use gentle euphemisms to try to soften the blow, the verbal equivalent of stepping around on eggshells, or the fear of provoking an emotional reaction as if the expression of our pain and sorrow is something to be avoided. So, the bereaved are often forced into private tears.
The finality and the suddenness of the reality that we will not see our friends again, that I will not hear my sisters voice again is shocking and I have and am struggling to accept it.
That we will not share again a Lakeland sunrise or walk bare foot along a wave lapped shore or feel the wind upon our cheeks only heightens our loss.
But death is inevitable two of the constants of life, we are born, we die, and it comes easily for most people and yet we don’t plan for it or discuss the possibility as if, by ignoring it, it will never happen.
People who are still alive know they’ll die.
But those who have died don’t know anything.
They don’t receive any more rewards.
And they are soon forgotten.
Their love, hate and jealousy disappear.
They will never share again in anything that happens on earth. *2
I have reminisced about a shared experience, a moment of understanding and laughter and tried to remember the last time we met our friends and my sister and what we talked about and our attitude to them, did we have time for them? Did we encourage them, affirm them, leave them feeling welcomed and encouraged, a happy meeting and a fond goodbye with the hope of meeting again? Happily, I think we did.
As I said in my last blog ‘Love is’, from the moment we are born we are all searching for love. That unconditional acceptance, attention and affection that brings needed significance, safety and assurance.
It is when we don’t receive that unconditional acceptance and love that we can be, like a bird with only one wing endlessly going around in circles or getting blown of course and failing to soar to reach the potential that is within us.
Of course, most individuals choose the course of their lives and sometimes it is difficult to recognize their value but none the less whatever the circumstances the sanctity of their life should be respected and acknowledged.
In my blog, ‘Don’t leave it too late’, in August 2017 I talked about my appreciation for my Father-in-law, happily still going strong at 97, I didn’t want to leave it too late to express my admiration of this dear man. The current trend of the media and the public to lionise and praise those that die, unexpectedly or inevitably, sometimes turning them in to plaster saints with outpourings of praise and adulation, deserved or not it is not my place to judge, is something, which always prompts me to wonder if they thanked the deceased or told them what they felt whilst they were still alive.
I am determined now that I will endeavour to express my appreciation for everyone I know and meet so that whoever is next to exit this life, them or me, they will know that they were valued, respected and recognised as being fearfully and wonderfully made, for. “Anyone who is living still has hope” *2.
*1 Shakespeare’s Hamlet.
*2 Ecclesiastes 9: 4-5